Soul Work

Earlier today, Ryan saw me reading and working and jokingly asked me if I was doing homework (it's a joke only because I'm not in school anymore - finally!). Without a second thought, I told him that I was doing Soul Work, a phrase that felt indulgent and hokey and worthy of an eye roll (or five). But also... accurate.

It's what I've been immersed in for the past month or so coming into this, my "butterfly" year. There's not really a structure or a point or a goal for it. It's just what I feel like spending almost all of my free time on lately. I've been super introspective and in my own little world for weeks: reading, journaling, listening, planning, dreaming.

Here's what Soul Work is shaping up to mean for the month of March:

• Finishing reading The Desire Map and identifying my "core desired feelings"
• Finishing listening to The Fire Starter Sessions and completing the worksheets
• Fully participating in The Salty Club: cooking the recipes, doing the workouts, following the journaling prompts
• Meditating by the ocean, spending time enjoying it up close or getting in it at least once each day
• Running or yoga once a day
• Drinking more water
• Outlining content for my book
• Spending more zen time in my little nook in our office

I'm curious to see if there are other people doing Soul Work this season and what that means for them. If you're reading something awesome or listening to a great podcast, let me know!

Good Intentions

Rumor has it that it's already February, huh?

Something tells me that's the way things are going to go in 2018. Between wedding planning and work and this weird rate of warp speed that life seems to be moving at in my thirties, I can already tell this year is going to be a blur. I know that some years are just meant to be that way. But after two years that I'd actually rather forget, I want to remember this one.

To do that? I have to get a little more intentional than I was last year.

Last year, in 2017, in my personal life my goal was to not have goals. Just flow or be still. I needed to force myself to not do anything. To be aimless for a while.

But I am not an aimless person by nature. I am a stress and achievement addict, a productivity junkie. Granted, it's a habit that I am actively and aggressively trying to break, but I know that there's a happy medium. Something between relaxed and productive, between flowing and planning, between apathy and anxiety.

I woke up this morning with a new determination to work on finding that balance this year.

A few weeks ago, we did a vision boarding exercise at work. Mine came out more or less how every vision or mood or inspiration board has come out for me since I was a kid. There are constants: fitness, the ocean, surfing, bright colors, fun, art, food and the outdoors. All of which I want more of in 2018.

So, even though it's one month into the new year already (shhhh), I'd like to set some intentions for this year:

• Protect the Ocean: Towards the end of 2017, I started to find a renewed sense of purpose, a mission around ocean conservation. It started with a surfing program and continued through beach doing clean-ups and watching documentaries. I was so driven towards environmental action and animal protection as a kid and I lost that part of myself in my 20s. It feels really, really good to get it back. This year, I want to focus even more on reducing waste, being more mindful about how my lifestyle choices impact the environment, educating myself more on my purchases, and choosing the planet over convenience. 

• Don't Be Sorry, Be Better: I've written my fair share of apology texts and spent days of my life feeling bad for things I've said or done. I need to focus on ways that I can be better instead of sorry. 

• "Remember When You Wanted What You Currently Have": This is a quote that I see pop up from time to time and it has never been more relevant than this year. There are years where we have everything we could ever want. Those times are fleeting and I think this year is going to be one of them. And since it won't be that way forever, I want to make sure I am savoring every bit of it. 

• Stay the Course: I want to continue studying A Course in Miracles and growing from what I learn in my studies. I notice that when I distance myself from studying the Course, it's because I want to do something that doesn't really align with its teachings. Which should be the first sign that something is awry and there is a lesson to be learned. (And if I want to sound like a real crazy hippie, I'd share that I am becoming of the belief that the Course is the true path to ending emotional legacies, which means that I have be intentional about creating time for it.)

• Let Go without Letting Yourself Go: Somewhere along the line I confused letting go with letting myself go. I let go of fears about my health and Lynch Syndrome by just letting go of taking care of my health at all. I let go of people's opinions about me and somehow this manifested in letting go of the way I showed up. I don't want to do this anymore. It's time to put some effort into my appearance all the while making sure that I'm doing it for me and not someone else's opinion of me or what I should look like. 

• W.A.I.T.: The most important acronym for me these days: Why Am I Talking? I really need to work on this one this year. Work on listening more, interrupting less, being mindful of why I'm saying whatever I'm saying. Is is because I want to control something? So someone will like me or think I'm smart? Paying more attention to why I'm saying whatever I'm saying feels key.

Let's do this 2018.

Not That Kind Of Girl

I have a love/hate relationship with Lena Dunham.

This, apparently, seems to be the general consensus when it comes to Dunham and my theory is that your feelings about her (if you have any) are based on where you fall on the spectrum of being able to relate to her. For a lot of girls, Dunham grew up in a different world. For me, not so much.

Dunham and I are the exact same age, give or take 30 days. We both have an unhealthy obsession with pop culture, are raging liberals and hypochondriacs, and we fell in love with writing at a young age. We grew up in (her) or adjacent to (me) a world of affluence, where people with graduate degrees from liberal arts colleges and an appreciation for highbrow culture were a dime a dozen. We both lived in New York City in our early twenties, she still does. We have similar stories about shitty guys we've dated and shittier men we've worked with. Most tragically, we both thought people would want to read a book of our self-absorbed essays about all of these topics.

The biggest difference? Well, Dunham actually published hers.

A Visit From The Goon Squad

There aren't many novels that I'd recommend to everyone. Sure, there are novels that I'd recommend to some people and novels that I'd recommend to others, but only a handful of novels meet my criteria for across-the-board recommendation. One of these is the 2010 mega-hit, "Freedom" by Jonathan Franzen. And it just so happens that the latest novel to make my list is the other 2010 mega-hit, 2011 Pulitzer Prize-winner "A Visit From the Goon Squad" by Jennifer Egan.

I've spent the last couple of weeks tearing through Goon Squad in progressive stages of discomfort: sweating on the bench in my yard with a breeze, sweating on the bed with a fan, and sweating on the couch with no fan, respectively. It's been humid here.

Or rather, I should say, "humid." My friends in the Northeast would probably hit me if they caught me complaining about what humidity is to me these days. Regardless, this book does what any ideal summer reading should do: it makes you completely forget about how hot you are.

Saltwater Buddha

For the past decade, ever since I worked in a bookstore, I've promised myself about once a month that I'm not going to buy any new books until I read the ones I own. Naturally, it hasn't worked out that way. 

Which is why I was so proud of myself when I finally picked "Saltwater Buddha" up off my bookshelf a month or so ago and started reading it.  I've had this book for what seems like forever, but Amazon tells me that I bought it in July of 2012. 

So, I mean, it only took me two years to get around to reading it. 

The Second You Start to Take Something Seriously...

...it loses all of its magic. 

It's been a while since Californication was worth quoting, but as I sat there loyally suffering through the last few episodes of its final season this past weekend, this line stood out. Hank asks his boss why he doesn't pursue his music outside of a hobby and this is Rath's rationale: "The second you start to take something seriously, it loses all of its magic."

I've battled with my creative energy my entire life. It can be all-consuming at times and during those times I begin to resent it because my need and desire to engage in creative endeavors feels like unproductive activity. And I'm a stress-addicted Millennial with 1.5 Master's Degrees and a guilt complex around wasting my time doing anything that doesn't produce "success" in some way for me.

I know, I know, first world problems, right?

Anyway, eventually, without fail, I try to monetize my hobbies. I enjoyed sewing so I started an Etsy store for tote bags that I made. I enjoyed writing so I went to Hunter to try and meet the right people and get noticed by an agent and make connections for a literary career. I enjoyed going to concerts and reading, so I started doing freelance music and book reviews.

Unfortunately, each time that I try to monetize something or "take it seriously," I become very overwhelmed by it. I get intimidated by all of the people who have been doing it better or longer than me. I take rejections harder, the hobby starts to become a chore. It usually ends with me giving up the hobby altogether because it stresses me out too much.

Over the past couple of months, I started to do this with this blog. A few opportunities came my way and I was able to make some money. And then more started piling up and I started getting very serious and equally stressed out about it. And then my best friend texted me and made a casual comment about how there had been so many sponsored posts and it hit me.

This blog had turned into a part-time job.

I didn't just write when or what I wanted to anymore... I had an editorial schedule with a purpose. Instead of using Motivation Monday posts as a vehicle for accountability for me and inspiration for my readers, I had to schedule them around fitness sponsors. Then I even stopped working out altogether and just posed in the clothes they sent me. I didn't have time to work out... I had to go to this networking event or that grand opening party. I had drafts of fun posts, like cheesy DIY projects I'd done, that I kept pushing out because I had paid posts to get up. I felt fake and stressed out and guilty.

Boo hoo. I'm making a small profit, partying and I get free stuff. It's dumb to complain about. But then something worse happened.

February Reads

The shortest month of the year was just that: short. The first week of February I gave notice to my job of 3 years. The second week, we were in Sayulita. The third week was my last week at my old job. The fourth week was my first week of the new job AND my last week of a class for my MBA program. 

Needless to say, I'm impressed that I got any reading done at all.

But vacation was great for relaxing on the beach or in our hotel and making my way through The Hunger Games Trilogy. I also started two other books while I was there (I get bored if I read one thing for too long --- which is why I never finish anything) and then came back only to put them on hold and tear through a diet book in time to start the diet itself this past weekend.

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins - Since I am just recently getting over the elitist book snobbery that I mistook for taste and intelligence in my post-MFA asshole years, I am only now reading The Hunger Games trilogy. And let me tell you, it has been so long since I have been able to enjoy a story this much without being plagued by irritation around sentence structure, descriptions and flow. Ryan and I ended up watching the first movie on a whim a couple of months ago, neither of us knowing much about it except that it's about a bunch of kids who kill each other. I fell in love with Jennifer Lawrence (again) and we made it about two weeks before we went to see the second movie in theaters. We thoroughly enjoyed them both, so I bought the books on my iPad for vacation. There's probably not a lot I can say that most people don't already know since I'm so late to the game, but the first book was a great read. I love the strong female protagonist, Katniss, as much as I love JLaw and think the casting was just too perfect there. Ryan even tore through the whole trilogy while we were in Mexico, while I only made it through the first book. Still, I was just so impressed with how totally enjoyable it was that I'm well into the second and can't wait to see how it ends.

The Fast Metabolism Diet by Haylie Pomroy - My cousin and his girlfriend recently posted on Facebook that they had each lost a ton of weight doing something called The Fast Metabolism Diet. I was immediately intrigued... Coachella is a mere 37 days away and if there's any motivation to lose weight, it's the dozens of adorable crop tops that come out in anticipation of festival season. So I bought the book and dove in. All of the principles of the diet are things that I learned when I took nutrition in college and a great overview of how the metabolism works. I read the whole thing cover to cover in a couple of days and felt totally motivated and inspired to try it. I started this past Saturday on March 1st, so there will be plenty more to come about my FMD adventures, but I would definitely suggest it as a read to others if only for the science aspect and the recipes - very informative and easy to read breakdowns about the metabolism and all its components.

2014 '50 Books' Progress: 4/50

January Reads

Last year I attempted to read 50 books and made it to a pathetic 11. I did however, identify and rectify the problem: I "needed" an e-reader. This revelation justified the purchase of an iPad last fall and since then, the books and I have gotten along swimmingly. So much so that I figured, why not attempt it again? I mean, go big or go home right? Thus, I welcome you to the first installment of 2014's attempt at reading 50 books!

The Secret History by Donna Tartt - Truth be told, this book took me almost three months to finish. It's long, sure. I mean, in print I think it's about 500 pages. But the main reason it took me so long to finish had nothing to do with the word count and more to do with the words themselves. "The Secret History" is about a group of bizarre college students in the late 80s who make up the Classics program at a bougie liberal arts college in Vermont (Bennington). A pre-med dropout from California transfers there and decides to worm his way into their Cool Kid Club and it's from this dude's perspective that the novel is told. There's a couple of sociopathic murders, some homoerotic experimentation, incest, an anxiety attack / nervous breakdown every ten pages, and lots of quotes from Ancient Greek. It's not that I hated this book per se. But I definitely think it reads like it was written by a young writer in their early 20s, which [spoiler alert] was how old Tartt was when she wrote it. In the pros column, there's just barely enough suspense to carry you through to the finish line. I read this in preparation to read The Goldfinch, Tartt's new novel which everyone seems to love. I can only hope that the 800+ page Goldfinch reads like an accomplished writer in their prime wrote it, which [spoiler alert] is how old Tartt is now.

The Fault in Our Stars by John Green - When I was 18, I worked in the music department at Borders Bookstore (RIP) and spent my days reading and listening to new music. It was essentially the perfect job (when I didn't have to pretend to alphabetize CDs while actually reading books that I hid in the displays). It was at Borders that I found "Looking for Alaska," Green's first novel, and one of the only novels that I can actually say literally changed my life. It was all because of one line: "If people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane." That line punched me in the gut and made me fall in love with words all over again. I switched my major to English and thought about nothing else except becoming a writer just so I could attempt to do with words what John Green was doing. I could go on and on about how and why he's an amazing writer and influence, but in the decade since I first picked up LFA, it turns out Green has amassed quite the fanbase who could do it for me, and better. There are legitimate Green groupies (also called Nerdfighters) everywhere, young and old.

I stopped reading John's novels in grad school, because the psuedo-pretentious nature of an MFA program in Manhattan led me to forsake the author who inspired me to go there in the first place. Green's novels are considered Young Adult Fiction and that is Not Real Writing, so it's taken me longer than it should have to pick up "The Fault in Our Stars." I started reading it the day after I finished "The Secret History" and I finished it in a week. Sure, it's a short book, but the main reason I finished it so quickly had nothing to do with the word count and everything to do with the words themselves. ;) I could have finished it in a day if I had the hours to spare. In fact, the main difference between the books I read this month is this: there are some books that you try to read as fast as possible because you just want them to be over so you don't have to suffer anymore and there are some books that you read as fast as possible because you can't read them any other way, even if you don't want them to end.

This book gives you the feels and makes you cry (a lot) and is kind of a kick in the ass to remember what matters and helps you to realize that love is always worth the risk. It's another Life Changer type of book and I may eventually have to dedicate a whole other post to explaining how I feel about it. For now, I will just say that I can't recommend it strongly enough.

2014 '50 Books' Progress: 2/50

My 2014 Blogger Manifesto

One of my favorite companies, Tiny Devotions, has a manifesto that drives their brand. It's their promise to themselves and their customers and it informs everything they do. And one of the things that I spent a lot of time thinking about during Couch Week was how I wanted to create a manifesto for this blog.

This will help to set the intention behind every post. Every DIY, every Taco Tuesday. Moreover, it comprises everything that I want this blog to be this year. A source of inspiration, a fun read during your morning Red Bull, and a salty kiss on the cheek when you're feeling down.

July and August Reads

buy: 1 | 2 

I need a book light. Or *sigh* an e-reader. I'm nine months into 2013 and I haven't even broken double digits on my #50Books. And I think I've figured out why: I have no way to read in bed in the dark. Because let's face it: my 27-year-old eyes don't have the same superhuman vision as my 11-year-old eyes did. Take Monday night for example. I woke up at 3:30am, something I tend to do when my room feels like it's consumed in hell flames, and could not fall back asleep. I could have gotten a ton of reading done in those 3 hours before I had to get ready for work, but instead I surfed the internet on my phone and refreshed Facebook and Instagram a dozen times before accepting the fact that no one else was awake. Unproductive.

This past month I read an incredible book and a, well, sort of credible one? The incredible book of course, was "Southern Cross the Dog" written by one of my favorite people, the genuinely wonderful Bill Cheng. When I was writing my summary of Bill's book for this blog in my head, by default I started to throw in the Hunter disclaimer that I usually do for my excellent former classmates and professors: something about my bias and a humblebrag about how I actually know these talented people with published novels. But it felt wrong and fake for Bill, since there is no bias. There is simply the truth: that he wrote a shockingly beautiful book showcasing his excruciating talent.

Southern Cross the Dog by Bill Cheng - I haven't read a book like this in a long time. For that matter, after reading SCTD, I think it's safe to say that I haven't read ANY books in long time. Actual books. Because this, this is a BOOK, the kind that gives you chills and makes you think, even if its mostly thoughts about how you wish you could be that talented of a writer. Southern Cross the Dog is a novel set in 1920s and 40s Mississippi, following the flood. And while the writing fully immerses you in that world, the themes don't tie you down there. This isn't a book about the 20s and 40s South. In my opinion, this isn't even a historical novel. Instead, SCTD is a ghost story about the things that haunt us and the ever-looming fearful anticipation for that point when they'll make themselves known in our lives. One of the book's most effortlessly achieved endeavors was to, in the words of Bill himself, "just communicate this feeling of what it's like to feel like you have no choice, to feel like the things that happen to you happen because of how the universe wants to use you." It's a timeless sentiment that many people can relate to at some point in their lives and Bill's ability to explore that within such dazzling pages is extraordinary. It took me all summer to finish this novel, mostly because of how much I had to put it down and think about it, but also because I didn't want it to be over. Expect greater than great things from Bill Cheng.

I'm Only Here for the WiFi by Chelsea Fagan - What this book is: The perfect present to give people between the ages of 19 and 24. This is a book that they will actually read and enjoy, and hopefully, after they finish, will find themselves able to breathe a sigh of relief. What this book is not: the collection of fresh essays with even a glimpse of depth or the novel that I've been waiting for Chelsea Fagan to write. Fagan, she of Thought Catalog fame, is a good writer. I enjoy her immensely. In my opinion, she could stand to shed some of her New York-centric paradigms (something I hope, but doubt, she'll do in Paris) and sure, she sometimes tries too hard to come across as the person she thinks she's supposed to be, rather than the person she is (which is a hallmark of her age), but I think she has talent and she's certainly a lot more disciplined in her chosen craft than some of her peers. While I hope (and believe) we'll see more from her and though I think this was a necessary first step career-wise, overall, WiFi is a letdown. But on the scale of letdowns, this is more like a really nice one done in person at a boutique coffee shop, not sent at 4am in an incoherent text message.

'50 Books' Progress: 9/50

The Spectacular Now

Last night I had the chance to see an early screening of "The Spectacular Now" before it comes out this Friday. I don't want to give away too much about the movie (which is based on a book that I have not read), but it was everything a thoughtful, honest, and deeply nostalgic coming-of-age movie should be. What I do want to talk about is the character type that Michael Weber and Scott Neustadter, the writing team behind TSN and "(500) Days of Summer" are so excellent at exploring in film.

Weber and Neustadter write the kind of movies that make me want to write movies and only one other person has had that impact on me: Cameron Crowe. So it's not surprising really that he's one of their biggest influences as well. The three of them have all explored, with one character or another (Sutter Keely, Summer Finn, Penny Lane), the often-heartbreaking impact of future-allergic, perpetual improvisers on the people who care about them. You know the type: they're the "live in the moment," addictively spontaneous boys and girls who are seemingly untouched by pain and who every responsible do-gooder secretly longs to be. So much so that A-types tend to fall in love with these people, hoping they will make them epic by association.

The Sutter/Summer/Penny's of the world have some recurring characteristics. For starters, they tend to have divorced and/or absent parents. The lack of happy, loving adults in their lives is their excuse for however they have ended up and often the catalyst for their somewhat jaded or disillusioned views on life, love, responsibility and commitment. But do you know what kids of divorced parents typically want more than anything in the world? For everyone to just stop fighting or being sad and to be happy instead. They want to make everyone feel good and they want everyone to like them and chances are they've been stuck trying to make people happy since they were kids. Cue the inability to be serious, the laidback, anything goes attitude, the party animal reputation, the careless flirting.

The problem with the type of happiness these latchkey kid-adults are trying to manufacture through reckless behavior, substance abuse and romantic flings, is that it's surface happiness and unsustainable. And that leads me to the second shared characteristic of this type: their short-term hero complex. They believe that if they can "save" someone by inspiring them or by lending them some of their risk-taking mojo, their influence doesn't have to be long-lived and any potential damage is a necessary sacrifice for the greater good. For instance, Penny Lane believes that if she can just inspire one great song, she's done good, no matter if she is complicit in marital infidelity. Sutter Keely wants his friends to enjoy the now, to hookup and live a little, no matter how at risk he puts them by drunk driving them to the party. Summer Finn just wants Tom to be able to enjoy the magic of a whirlwind, no-strings attached romance, no matter if she breaks his heart at the end of it.

Which is another similarity: Because their efforts to "save" these people are misguided and flawed in the first place, almost every well-intentioned "saving" ends in certain disaster, leading to a vicious cycle of self-loathing for our wayward heroes and heroines. They inevitably come to believe that they are bad for the people who get close to them so they become guarded and don't let anyone in. When they do meet someone who they care for, they attempt ever more abbreviated efforts to "save" these people, to get in, impact the person as quickly as possible and get out before they "hurt" them, resulting in more frequent damage, and more validated self-loathing.

Here we arrive at the aftermath. At people who are forever changed because their relationship-on-speed, romantic or platonic, felt so intense and passionate and magical and inspiring and once-in-a-lifetime and now? It has abruptly ended. Sometimes it sucks for everyone involved and for the hero/ine self-loathing turns into self-destructive behavior. But most of the time, it just sucks for the person left behind while Summer Finn grows up and realizes she can't keep doing this. She releases herself from the prison of "Life According to Summer (Based on Her Parent's Divorce)," opening her to the possibility of love and ending with a ring on her finger (um, spoiler alert? sorry!).

Why do I care about all of this? Because I worry that I was a Summer. There was a period of time, mostly in NYC, but also for about 6 months right after I moved to San Diego too, where I wanted to inspire people and save them from growing up or being boring or from dealing with a depressing situation so they could just have fun. I had decided that I was never going to take things seriously and that if they unexpectedly got serious or I lost the ability to make things fun for them, I would disappear so as not to hurt anyone's feelings. All of this was positively delusional. Nobody needed to be saved, especially not by me at my most fumbling. And I did hurt several people's feelings and to this day, have never apologized.

Watching "The Spectacular Now" last night, I wondered, not for the first time, whether I should apologize for my careless attempt at "wayward heroine"-ism during that time. It's not that I'm scared really, it's more that I worry that thinking that my actions actually hurt people is just as self-aggrandizing as thinking way back then that I should try to save them. The flip side is that if I really did hurt them, is it equally self-aggrandizing to think that an apology now will benefit them instead of drudging up old feelings or sounding like I'm promising something better in the future? Because I'm not. The only people I want in my life are the people who are in it, and that is a decision process that I went through over two years ago. So is a note to say, "Hey I'm sorry I was an asshole to you 3 years ago, I was going through stuff and I was a shitty person for a bit and I've since grown up and realized it. Not that I want to open up a dialogue or be friends again. Just wanted to say I'm sorry and best wishes!" really worth it? For them, I mean? I can't help but think not. In fact, if the people who hurt me pulled such a stunt, I would be pissed.

Go see "The Spectacular Now." Expect to laugh, expect to wince, expect to feel the same awkward jumble of nerves and scary anticipation and total confusion that you felt when you were a teenager because this movie does a pretty good job of letting you sit back and relive it. If anything, it's a pitch perfect reminder that spontaneity and "being present" is, as everything else, good in moderation and that never, ever, ever, no matter how ignorant and self-loathing you may be, are you the only person affected by your actions. Keep those two things in mind and the now will be just as spectacular as the future.

"Are you doing anything with your MFA?"

Hunter Fiction Writing Workshop, Spring 2010

Ahhhh, my least favorite question: "Are you still writing?"

Sure! Job descriptions, emails to candidates, LinkedIn status updates. I'm a recruiter. I was before I went to Hunter's Fiction MFA program and during and after. I love what I do for a living. But I also have an MFA from what I believe is the best creative writing program in New York City and yeah, I'll say it, the world (Iowa, schmiowa).

I'm super proud of my degree and my time there and equally, if not more, I am humbled by it. I drank with and studied under Booker Prize- and National Book Award-winning writers: Colum McCann ("Let the Great World Spin"), Peter Carey ("The True History of the Kelly Gang"), Nathan Englander ("What We Talk About When We Talk About Anne Frank"), and Claire Messud ("The Emperor's Children"). I workshopped alongside classmates who have now published awesome fiction and/or have book deals on the way. These were WRITERS that I spent my New York City nights with. And I was a recruiter who spent my days hiding my shitty thesis word doc file underneath PDFs of resumes. For two years I was constantly worried that they would spot the fraud. Then we graduated: myself and the 5 classmates who were in my year, the people who I'd become closest to, the people who I had been the most vulnerable and naked around, my best friends and inspirations. And immediately I was really exposed.

Except it wasn't that dramatic in any way shape or form, even though it sure felt like that. They all had post-MFA writing plans. They were all headed to writer's colonies or were finishing a novel or were getting published in short fiction magazines and me? Stripped of my secret nighttime identity, I was back to being just a recruiter. Sure, they had day jobs too, but they were actual writers first and editors / coordinators / teachers second.

I moved to the west coast two weeks after graduation and whenever I talked to my classmates (which was daily for some time), I was reminded that they were writing and I was... re-watching The OC in it's entirety on Netflix while I ate $0.50 cent cans of Spaghetti-os for dinner and drank a LOT of Two Buck Chuck. I was broke and adjusting to my new life in SD and honestly? I needed a break from writing and the groupthink of Hunter to find my voice again.

Unfortunately that break turned into 3 years and soon it was hard to keep talking to my Hunter friends. The conversations we did have were spaced apart enough that asking me if I was writing anything was an acceptable question every time. It was also one that I wanted to avoid so badly that I eventually stopped talking to them almost altogether.

I started this blog in large part as a way to ease back into it. This is me, for six months strong now, toeing the writing waters. I've lost my touch, that much is evident. By touch I mean vocabulary, by evident I mean a reliance on adverbs and simple language. But for the most part, it's been the best way to start getting excited about writing again. And to practice discipline.

It's also been a way to take the pressure off. I think my biggest obstacle with writing was that I was so broke and so financially desperate and so utterly aware of it for so long living in Manhattan that writing seemed an impossible, financially-suicidal endeavor. I mean, there was a point in my life where at parties I'd wait until people were drunk enough to ask them how much they sold their book for or got for their essay. I was in a program where the writers believed the best, most ideal option was to pursue your writing full-time and that TERRIFIED me. If I was going to do that it had to be good, no, the best, because it was tied to income and thus, survival. I spent more time mentally strategizing how I could monetize a writing career than I did actually writing. That romantic notion was the most detrimental thing to happen to my love for writing and it took getting out of the city and becoming financially comfortable to destroy it.

Releasing the imaginary, looming burden of supporting myself with writing has been huge. I don't have to stress out about living in California, so far away from all the literary parties and readings I'd be tempted to network at. I don't have to turn up my nose at self-publishing or blogging for that matter because I'm worried of what "people" will think. So much of a relief that lately, I can't stop thinking about what I want to write as I find my voice again. Is it fiction? If so, a novel? Short stories? Screenplays? Is is non-fiction? Essays? Personal or cultural? Is it only this blog, but more and better? I'm an extremely collaborative person - is it working on something with other local San Diego bloggers? I don't know. But these are the questions that have been swirling around in my head for the past month or two.

I think it will be a while before I find my voice still and I'm trying hard to be OK with that and not think about how much more successful my friends are. I should clarify that being happy for them and proud of them has never been an issue: they are amazing and talented and wonderful people. It's not jealousy by any means because I believe they are deserving of their success. It's more like overwhelming and intimidating anxiety when I think of trying to accomplish what they have: publishing fiction under a major NYC publishing house. And the thing is, I don't even want that anymore. Which leads me to this post.

I want to do something with my MFA. I want to call myself a writer (by night) again and this time not feel like a fraud. I want to share my writing and mostly I want find a way to inspire people - whether it's to inspire them to move across the country or to chase what they love or to adopt a dog. I want to be proof that you can pursue a creative life successfully while being grounded in the real world where you still have to work a full time job. I don't want to lose writing from my life and most motivating of all? I don't want to have to answer this dreaded question from my kids in 20 years. Because worse than not being a writer anymore would be having to admit to them that I'm a quitter instead, right?

May and June Reads

buy: 1 | 2 

I'm almost embarrassed to write this bimonthly '50 Books' wrap up. My choice of summer reading material has been more or less dictated by whatever I can read while drinking sangria or lying on the beach. So, let's just say these two reads won't win me any intelligence points...

My Crazy Beautiful Life by Ke$ha - There are two reasons why I am justified in buying Ke$ha's sort-of memoir in hardcover. 1. I love Ke$ha. 2. I thought it would make a fun coffee table book. And surprisingly, over the course of several Saturdays I actually read it cover to cover while lazing about my house (and drinking sangria). If it was possible for me to love Ke$ha even more, I did with every page. Sure, it's not the best writing in the world, but her energy, creative spirit, and outlook on life is always inspiring to me. I also really loved learning about her family and how she grew up, though I wish she had more in there about her early years as an artist in LA. Most importantly however, there were pictures. Lots of pictures. Which, I've learned, is key if you're picking books to read while drinking. :) 

Rockettes, Rockstars, & Rockbottom by Keltie Colleen - I don't quite remember how I learned about Keltie Colleen or why I thought her memoir would be a guilty pleasure for summertime, but yet there I was, lying on the beach in Coronado, shaking my head at the abysmal writing that littered the page. Sure, I wasn't expecting her to be the next Mary Karr, but I guess I expected something from a book that made it to an actual publisher (however independent). Well anyway, apparently RR&R rose from the ashes of 3 failed relationships with musicians: Nic Perri (Christina Perri's brother), Butch Walker and Ryan Ross (Panic at the Disco). Her breakup with Ross was particularly devastating ("rockbottom" was her passing out at work from hypoglycemia / not eating much after the breakup) and supposedly the final nail in the coffin of the young 20's naïveté that was responsible for her terrible taste in dudes. But you know what? I've been there, so overall, I'll say that the book is a noble endeavor. Writing about loss and pain in order to get past it and maybe even to help someone who is going through the same thing is something I can get behind. On that front, Keltie wrote an emotional book with a positive message that any young girl going through a bad breakup would probably devour. Everyone else should absolutely skip it. 

'50 Books' Progress: 7/50

March and April Reads

buy: 1 | 2

Well. At this rate, it looks like my goal of reading 50 Books in 2013 is in trouble! The bad news is that over the past two months, I only got around to reading two books (I blame marathon training). The good news is that they were two really good books. :)

Tiny, Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed - Last August, my favorite singer and fellow San Diegan, Tristan Prettyman recommended this book in an interview with Glamour. Since her stamp of approval pretty much seals the deal for me, I ordered "Tiny, Beautiful Things" within minutes of reading the article, without even knowing what the book was about. When it finally arrived, I was slightly disappointed that it appeared to be a self-helpy type of  book. Not in the mood, I shelved it. 6 months worth of dust later, I heard that Cheryl Strayed was going to be one of 2013's speakers at my alma mater, Hunter College. I remembered seeing the name somewhere, and lo and behold there she was, already sitting on my bookshelf. Since Hunter's Distinguished Writers Series is another bona fide stamp of approval, I picked it up and began to read. I think I finished TBT faster than I've finished any book of comparable size. TBT is a collection of the "Dear Sugar" columns from the The Rumpus, which Strayed used to write anonymously. Every letter she writers to her readers is more similar to an essay than an advice column and within each essay, Strayed tries to drive home core truths: Sometimes life sucks and isn't fair. You can't change people. But you can always choose happiness. More than anything else, TBT truly succeeds as a humbling reality check. 

Tomorrow There Will Be Apricots by Jessica Soffer - I still haven't read a piece of writing that accomplishes as much in as little space as "Beginning, End," a short, short story that Jess wrote during her last year at Hunter and which was subsequently published in Granta. Like "Beginning, End," her debut novel "Tomorrow There Will Be Apricots" (which came out this past month), dives deep into the secret tragedies of relationships and is the perfect book to cuddle up with on these cozy, rainy spring days. It explores two private and isolated relationships: that of a mother and adolescent daughter and that of an older woman and her recently deceased husband. Jessica is masterful at exploring the insecure halves of each of these relationships through the eyes of the daughter and the widow and exposing the regrets and unexpressed needs that these women harbor. Lovely and haunting, TTWBA really makes you take a second look at the relationships in your life and evaluate whether or not your actions as a partner, daughter, sibling or friend are ones that you can be proud of, ones that will leave you with no regrets.

'50 Books' Progress: 5/50

February Reads

One of my resolutions for 2013 is to read 50 books this year. I've been such a slacker about reading ever since I moved to San Diego. For the most part, I blame my lack of a work commute. I used to have a ton of time to read on the train or the subway in New York and here I drive 15 minutes each way to the office. Not that I'm complaining. :)

Unfortunately, I haven't made much progress on my '50 Books' goal just yet. With my current MBA class, work, and our trip to San Francisco, I haven't found much time for leisurely reading. In fact, one of the books I read this month was for school. But hopefully that will change next week when I'm finished with this class and off from school for two months!

Super Sad True Love Story by Gary Shteyngart - Gary is a Hunter grad as well and finished his MFA the year before I started mine. Although I never had class with him, I did meet him at several Hunter/literary functions. However, I'd never read any of his books until Super Sad. SSTLS is a dystopian novel set in the near future in Manhattan. It alternates between two voices: the protagonist, Lenny Abramov, and his love interest, Eunice Park. Two thoughts on this book: 1. It is super sad. Not necessarily the love story itself, but rather the general melancholy and pessimism of the whole book. I didn't realize it until after I finished, but it kind of depressed me and not in a meaningful way. 2. The narrator tells us only horrible things about Eunice Park and yet expects the reader to buy his obsession with her. Put another way: Shteyngart doesn't even dress up Lenny's obsession as misguided or confused. Lenny is smart and all too aware of Eunice's many flaws. He himself has trouble finding things about her to love, except for her looks and daddy issues. It was hard to invest in his feelings for her (which is the foundation for the whole story) when he couldn't even seem to do so. 

Vampires in the Lemon Grove by Karen Russell - Karen Russell is the 'one that got away.' For one of our final MFA projects we had to interview an author and Karen was my top choice. At the time, she had only published her first short story collection and I'd read one of these stories in Best American Short Stories 2009 and fallen in love. Somehow, one of my classmates beat me to her, but I had the privilege of interviewing the author of my favorite short story collection of all time instead, so it all worked out. Still, I would have loved to pick her brain at that point in my development. Confession: this the first Karen Russell book I've actually read cover to cover. I own the other two, but haven't had a chance to finish them. From the moment I picked up Vampires though, I knew that my earlier predictions were right: Karen Russell is poised to be one of America's greatest short story writers of all-time. Vampires showcases her range in 8 haunting, eerie stories. 

The Medici Effect by Frans Johansson - This is a nonfiction book that was assigned for my MBA class, "Organizational Creativity, Discovery, and Innovation." Normally, I don't even attempt to read books assigned for school, but I'm glad I finished this one. The Medici Effect focuses on how to create the right circumstances to poise yourself for innovation in your work. While a lot of the exercises and anecdotes are really useful for the corporate workplace, I've found myself applying them to my personal creative work as well. It's a quick read and useful if you're having any kind of creative block. 

'50 Books' Progress: 3/50

Sadly, that's it for February! The good news is that I have several books I can't wait to start in March. What books did you read this month? Any recommendations?

Another Man's Treasure

source: 1

I have a complicated relationship with the show "Girls." The show has an uncanny ability to trigger a form of PTSD for me. After all, anyone who has spent any brief amount of time with me could tell you that I hated my years spent as a would-be writer in NYC: the striving, the transparent posturing involved in attending readings and Paris Review parties, the dual constants of being broke and hungover, the painfully stereotypical OKC dates, the cold and the humidity. It was the worst. Dark days.

That said, I'm glad I did it. If only to learn how I didn't want to live my life. So when I was watching Hannah's "Don't tell anyone this, but I just want to be happy" speech in the episode "One Man's Trash," I started to think about why the desire to be happy was such a stigma back then. Everything Hannah said, right down to the Fiona Apple quote that I also read in NYM, resonated.

Somewhere between school and the city and the Midtown studio that I shared with Mickey and Minnie (the two mice that lived in my defunct radiator), I cultivated a belief system that the key to my success as a writer was not writing, but research: I needed to experience as much as possible, the good and the bad. Especially the bad. The bad experiences were better material, so I sought them out constantly until finally they just started to happen to me. And like Hannah, I purposefully let them happen. Soon, "writer" became synonymous with "victim" and suddenly the "research" portion of my non-career was my actual life.

source: 1 

In 2010, shortly after my quality of life had hit rock bottom, I traded harsh Manhattan winters for breezy San Diego summers. I just wanted to be happy. Once I made that choice, everything else fell into place. I focused on my day job, made friends with genuine, kind people, and didn't waste my time dating until I found someone who was perfect for me in every way.

Of course, happiness came with a price. As expected, my material dried out. For a while, I lost the motivation to write. I slowly stopped talking to my former MFA classmates because I didn't know what to say to them anymore. Worst of all is the fear that they'll think I've sold out: living in Southern California, working in Corporate America, enjoying my little slice of domestic bliss.

But watching Hannah have a nervous breakdown in front of Patrick Wilson and feeling a wave of relief that I am not that girl any more, it occurred to me that even if I have "sold out," it's better than selling myself short. To that end, the belief that I can't be a writer without victimizing myself is, in fact, as short as it gets. Which is why starting this blog this year was so important to me: I need an outlet where I can learn to write from a happy place. Now it's time to get some new material.

"They say California is a recipe for a black hole, and I say I've got my best shoes on, I'm ready to go" -Rilo Kiley, 'Pictures of Success'