Where'd You Go, 2019?

pc: @katieiredalee

To say I've been neglectful of this blog over the past year would be a massive understatement.

Somehow I got down to single digit posts in 2019... only 7 posts all year! And there was so much I wanted to write about! I didn't get to post as much as I wanted about our wedding, my yoga teacher training, about another summer spent with Groundswell or, especially, about being pregnant...

The year just flew by and so far 2020 isn't much different. Take this post for example... usually I get my annual recaps up in the first week of the month. Yet here we are, more than halfway into January. I'll blame it on pregnancy brain while I still can. ;)

This year I want to get back to writing and connecting here more, especially as I start new chapters in my life, becoming both a mother and an entrepreneur this year. I have a (great) feeling this will be a wild start to this next decade and I can't wait for all of it.

But before I kick off all of the exciting adventures ahead, I do want to make sure I jot down a proper recap and farewell to 2019. So here goes...

Capturing That Wild Light

While we were in the early stages of planning our wedding, we asked a lot of couples what they wish they had done during their weddings. It didn't surprise me that the same advice kept popping up: I wish we had hired a wedding videographer. 

I knew our wedding day was going to go by in a blur. I knew we couldn't be everywhere at once. There were parts of the day (me getting ready, him getting ready) that we wanted to be there for and wouldn't be able to. And we wanted to be able to relieve our wedding day forever and have something to show our kids one day.



But videographers are a big investment. One that, honestly, we probably couldn't have done without help from my mom. When she asked what she could do to contribute to the wedding, I immediately told her that putting her gift towards our wedding videos would be the most necessary and appreciated way to help us and I'm so grateful that she agreed.

Not only did we hire a videographer, we hired the videographer of my dreams, Steven Kopacz of Wild Light Films in Los Angeles, CA. Steven did such an incredible job on our videos (including our Super 8 Film that I shared last year) that they blow me away every time I watch them.

Which, I have to admit, is more than is probably healthy.

Steven totally exceeded any expectations I had for working with a videographer or for our wedding videos. Also, calling him a videographer doesn't quite seem to do him justice. From the sound to the cuts, these videos really do feel like a work of art created around our wedding. He is the nicest guy and so talented it's unreal. We're endlessly grateful to him for capturing our day, us, our friends and family just so beautifully.

I know I haven't had a chance to post more about our wedding here yet, but if I could give you one piece of wedding advice: if you can invest in it... invest in a videographer Wild Light Films. I am so happy we did and I get to retreat to this amazing celebration and see so many of my favorite people in one video anytime I want. And for that matter, as you will hear me gush about again and again in posts to come, invest in an amazing photographer our amazing photographer Alex (if you can book her... she books up fast and far out!), because without her we wouldn't have found Steven or half of the other incredible vendors that made our wedding what it was.

Plastic Swear Jar Challenge

I started my touch-and-go attempts at a plastic-free lifestyle a couple of years ago when I spent the summer in the ocean with a women's surf therapy group started by a woman-founded nonprofit, Groundswell Community Project. 

In the years since my summer getting stoked and woke, the push for plastic alternatives, bans on different types of single-use plastic and public awareness of the harm that single-use plastic is wreaking on our oceans has become (blissfully) omnipresent in businesses, advertising, community initiatives, Hollywood, influencer communities, government, and the surf and yoga communities. It's created incredible momentum...

...but we still have a long way to go.

Which is why I wanted you to join me and share this cool Earth Day challenge that Changing Tides Foundation (another incredible women-founded nonprofit) has created: The Plastic Swear Jar Challenge.

All Our Waves Are Water

Ever since I moved out to the west coast 9 years ago, I have strived (striven?) to continuously better my relationship with the ocean, surfing, meditating, mindfulness and yoga. And for the most part, save for few conversations with likeminded friends and a couple of amazing yoga retreats and surfing workshops, this journey of "bettering" has been conducted solo.

Except for whenever I pick up a book by Jaimal Yogis.

When I finished "Saltwater Buddha" and "The Fear Project," the first two books that I read by Jaimal, each book made me feel feel like I'd just had a long, restorative conversation with a friend about why this "bettering" was so important to us and what we'd learned so far along the way.

It's not that Jaimal's journey is anything like mine (it very much isn't), but the intention and authenticity and relentless persistence fueling his journey through surfing and spirituality has always felt so accessible and relatable to me. Moreover, it's a relief to take my mind off my own journey sometimes and venture into his.

Like Waves Crashin' On The Beach

 

Closing out 2018 with a glimpse into our wedding in this sweet video, our Super 8 short from our incredible videographer,  Steven Kopacz of Wild Light Films.

This was by far the best day of my year. And I am so excited for what 2019 has in store for us. Can't wait to share more of it, in this space, next year.

Happy New Year's Eve, everyone! Stay safe, love hard, be kind. <3

60s Surfy Beachy Breezy Boho California Bride

That's it. That's the search term I have typed into Google anytime I have even ventured to daydream about my wedding day. And if you have ever searched such a thing in the past 5 or 6 years, you have probably seen this dress: Grace Loves Lace's beautiful Hollie.

For a long time, I only ever pictured getting married in this dress. And since I first laid eyes on it, I've been obsessed with literally anything that Grace Loves Lace puts out. I don't think I have ever even seriously entertained the idea of being anything other than a GLL bride.

Until today. Today, when I have narrowed it down to not one but two GLL dresses that I am painstakingly, melodramatically trying to decide between.

Sadly, neither of the two is the Hollie (let's be honest, that dress would have fit my 27-year-old bod a lot nicer than my 32-year-old bod), but both of them are perfect in their own right. And I am so torn between them that my fearless bridesmaids have even gone so far as to suggest that I look at.... other dresses.

They have a point. If it's so hard to decide then maybe neither of them is The Dress?

So, for the first time since the very beginning of this wedding planning process, I typed in my search term again. And I didn't totally hate what I saw.

Soul Work

Earlier today, Ryan saw me reading and working and jokingly asked me if I was doing homework (it's a joke only because I'm not in school anymore - finally!). Without a second thought, I told him that I was doing Soul Work, a phrase that felt indulgent and hokey and worthy of an eye roll (or five). But also... accurate.

It's what I've been immersed in for the past month or so coming into this, my "butterfly" year. There's not really a structure or a point or a goal for it. It's just what I feel like spending almost all of my free time on lately. I've been super introspective and in my own little world for weeks: reading, journaling, listening, planning, dreaming.

Here's what Soul Work is shaping up to mean for the month of March:

• Finishing reading The Desire Map and identifying my "core desired feelings"
• Finishing listening to The Fire Starter Sessions and completing the worksheets
• Fully participating in The Salty Club: cooking the recipes, doing the workouts, following the journaling prompts
• Meditating by the ocean, spending time enjoying it up close or getting in it at least once each day
• Running or yoga once a day
• Drinking more water
• Outlining content for my book
• Spending more zen time in my little nook in our office

I'm curious to see if there are other people doing Soul Work this season and what that means for them. If you're reading something awesome or listening to a great podcast, let me know!

Good Intentions

Rumor has it that it's already February, huh?

Something tells me that's the way things are going to go in 2018. Between wedding planning and work and this weird rate of warp speed that life seems to be moving at in my thirties, I can already tell this year is going to be a blur. I know that some years are just meant to be that way. But after two years that I'd actually rather forget, I want to remember this one.

To do that? I have to get a little more intentional than I was last year.

Last year, in 2017, in my personal life my goal was to not have goals. Just flow or be still. I needed to force myself to not do anything. To be aimless for a while.

But I am not an aimless person by nature. I am a stress and achievement addict, a productivity junkie. Granted, it's a habit that I am actively and aggressively trying to break, but I know that there's a happy medium. Something between relaxed and productive, between flowing and planning, between apathy and anxiety.

I woke up this morning with a new determination to work on finding that balance this year.

A few weeks ago, we did a vision boarding exercise at work. Mine came out more or less how every vision or mood or inspiration board has come out for me since I was a kid. There are constants: fitness, the ocean, surfing, bright colors, fun, art, food and the outdoors. All of which I want more of in 2018.

So, even though it's one month into the new year already (shhhh), I'd like to set some intentions for this year:

• Protect the Ocean: Towards the end of 2017, I started to find a renewed sense of purpose, a mission around ocean conservation. It started with a surfing program and continued through beach doing clean-ups and watching documentaries. I was so driven towards environmental action and animal protection as a kid and I lost that part of myself in my 20s. It feels really, really good to get it back. This year, I want to focus even more on reducing waste, being more mindful about how my lifestyle choices impact the environment, educating myself more on my purchases, and choosing the planet over convenience. 

• Don't Be Sorry, Be Better: I've written my fair share of apology texts and spent days of my life feeling bad for things I've said or done. I need to focus on ways that I can be better instead of sorry. 

• "Remember When You Wanted What You Currently Have": This is a quote that I see pop up from time to time and it has never been more relevant than this year. There are years where we have everything we could ever want. Those times are fleeting and I think this year is going to be one of them. And since it won't be that way forever, I want to make sure I am savoring every bit of it. 

• Stay the Course: I want to continue studying A Course in Miracles and growing from what I learn in my studies. I notice that when I distance myself from studying the Course, it's because I want to do something that doesn't really align with its teachings. Which should be the first sign that something is awry and there is a lesson to be learned. (And if I want to sound like a real crazy hippie, I'd share that I am becoming of the belief that the Course is the true path to ending emotional legacies, which means that I have be intentional about creating time for it.)

• Let Go without Letting Yourself Go: Somewhere along the line I confused letting go with letting myself go. I let go of fears about my health and Lynch Syndrome by just letting go of taking care of my health at all. I let go of people's opinions about me and somehow this manifested in letting go of the way I showed up. I don't want to do this anymore. It's time to put some effort into my appearance all the while making sure that I'm doing it for me and not someone else's opinion of me or what I should look like. 

• W.A.I.T.: The most important acronym for me these days: Why Am I Talking? I really need to work on this one this year. Work on listening more, interrupting less, being mindful of why I'm saying whatever I'm saying. Is is because I want to control something? So someone will like me or think I'm smart? Paying more attention to why I'm saying whatever I'm saying feels key.

Let's do this 2018.

Thank You, 2017

There's been a meme going around the interwebs that goes something like this: "2016: Caterpillar; 2017: Cocoon; 2018: Butterfly." Cheesy? Yes. But also, accurate. At least for me.

2017 absolutely felt like a cocoon year. It started off with me still reeling from a rough 2016. I spent a lot of this year feeling vulnerable and apathetic, aimless and lost. I cried a lot on my way to work, I spent more time journaling than I have in years, I did a lot of going to bed right after I got home from work and I hunkered down for most of the year, not really having the energy or the desire to give much to others. I was just depleted... I couldn't "give" anything because I sort of felt like I had nothing left to give.

And for much of the year, what little I had left seemed to get exhausted by the news. Natural disasters, mass shootings, Trump's latest atrocity... there was never a time where it felt safe and so the cycle of vulnerability followed by my defense strategy of retreat and apathy continued.

But as I sat down yesterday reflecting, prepping this annual recap and looking at pictures from the year I realized that despite months of working through that depression, a lot of good stuff did happen in 2017. For instance, instead of deaths, there were births: 7 of our friends and 6 of my co-workers welcomed new babies into the world. Instead of poor health, there was self-care: unlike 2016 where I was constantly sick and stressed out and googling WebMD about my newly uncovered Lynch Syndrome, I don't think I visited WebMD once this year or had one health-related anxiety attack.

This was the year that Ryan and I began apart and ended engaged; the year that I recommitted to taking care of myself spiritually and healed so much through A Course in Miracles, surfing and solo travel; the year that I got involved by marching in protest, joining ACLU, making frequent calls to my representatives in Congress, donating when I could, making lifestyle changes and learning about important issues; and the year that I really learned how to let go of what wasn't serving me.

Ultimately, I'm thankful for 2017. It may have often been a dark one internally, but I see now how those dark spots were so necessary for what's coming up ahead. Here's a look back at everything that went into it...

Sparkly and Bright

We're engaged!

As surreal as it feels to be able to type that, I'm happy to share that it's true. And the way it all went down was better than I ever could have imagined.

Plastic Free For the Sea

How much plastic is in your bathroom?

A few weeks ago, I couldn't answer that question. And a few months ago?

I wouldn't have cared about the answer.

But then I spent time with Groundswell Community Project's surf program for women this summer and I started to learn about how plastics were hurting our oceans. I learned how more mindful changes to my lifestyle could actually make a difference.

So I pulled every single piece of plastic out of my bathroom. And I counted.

You Can't Conquer The Ocean

photo credit // Groundswell Community Project

I think it was my fifth surf therapy session with Groundswell Community Project. I was paired up with a volunteer, a surf sister, Rebecca, who I hadn't met before, so I was introducing myself. I was giving her my elevator pitch, a quick synopsis of why I had joined their summer program. 

"Yeah, so I just learned how to swim a couple of years ago and this," I said, sweeping my hand to indicate the ocean on the horizon, "...is the next thing to conquer." 

We didn't have much time. Rebecca was listening, but at that particular moment she was mostly looking for the best place to help me get in the ocean as quickly as possible, trying to make sure I got on a wave or two on a particularly choppy day. Which is why I doubt she noticed when my own words stopped me in my tracks.

"Conquer" the ocean. Like it was just another achievement waiting to be checked off. Like it was something almost mechanical, merely requiring strategy, calculations and persistence.

Like it was even remotely possible. 

This sudden awareness of how I was describing the ocean was the seed of only one of the many salt water-soaked lessons that I learned with Groundswell Community Project this summer. I am profoundly and deeply changed after spending 8 weeks with their wonderful volunteers and their incredible force of a founder, Natalie Small. And of course, with Mother Ocean.

Only now, after reflecting on my experience for the past month to try and make sure I accurately articulate how it's changed me, have I felt able to share.